August 2016 – Queen of Cups

Gentleness: A Card and a Jumper

‘It is important to be very gentle with yourself, especially in the early days of a transition. In fact, there is no such thing as being too gentle with yourself at this time.’ – Julia Cameron

The Two of Pentacles from the Shadowscapes Tarot

I am working through Julia Cameron’s book, It’s Never Too Late to Begin Again. It’s an Artist’s Way program for people who are in a major transition. I figured my life right now constitutes multiple major transitions, so it seemed like a good fit.

The quote above captured my attention yesterday.

I am struggling with being gentle with myself lately. I feel like a failure in most areas of my life. Even though I recognize that all of these changes mean everything is in upheaval, and it’s almost impossible to see progress in the middle of the process.

I drew a card with the question – how can I be gentle with myself during this transition?

My card was the Two of Pentacles. I saw it and thought balance, juggling all the different moving pieces, finding a balance between work life and home life and creative life.

In The Creative Tarot, Jessa Crispin says, of this card:

Sometimes when we’re feeling overwhelmed, we think we need to remove outside obligations. But it’s often those outside obligations that keep us [functioning]. We can actually improve productivity by adding to our to-do list.

Beth Maiden at Little Red Tarot says:

Another element in this card is that it represents change – new challenges entering our lives which will demand from us that we act like this juggler. Flexibility is key, being adaptable and bending to fit those changes into our lives.

Both of these feel relevant to me right now. The challenge, the need for flexibility and adaptability, and the hopeful comment that maybe my overwhelming to-do list is actually not a bad thing.

The Three of Cups from the Shadowscapes Tarot

The Three of Cups was a jumper for me, and also feels relevant. Community, connection, filling my cup while filling the cups of the people around me.

From The Creative Tarot:

This card is about community and companionship. There’s an emotional stability here, brought on by a circle of supportive friends.

I feel good about the fact that my best friend is planning on coming over for a working date today, and that I have a to-do list with a lot of things to knock off. I still feel overwhelmed, but I can recognize the gentleness already present in my life, and it makes it easier to stop beating myself up for not doing enough, well enough, fast enough.

It will be okay.

I’ll work on my balance and my flexibility, and I’ll lean on my supportive community in the meantime. And I won’t hate myself for the overwhelming to-do list.

Birthday dinner

cropped Fluevog — Trying on boots before dinner.

Boxwood is one of my favourite restaurants. I’ve had dozens of meals there, and it’s been one of my favourite places to go alone or with company. Last night I went for dinner with my whole pod (at this point I realize that I don’t have pseudonyms for my people and I have no idea how to refer to them!).

My pod is all my current partners (though I would also include their current partners and some family in my pod as well).

(In addition to the name issues, describing my pod means really thinking about how to define each relationship, and that’s a bit more heart-and-mind work than I have the energy for in this blog post.)

So let’s just say – five of us went for dinner at Boxwood and it was amazing.

I had all the bread to start with – their house-made bread with molasses butter, and an open-faced sandwich of ricotta, fresh garden peas, snap peas, and pea shoots. A sparkling rhubarb drink. A peachy Pimms cup. A lot of laughing.

Then the turmeric-rubbed pork shoulder, with creamy white beans, portobello, and kale.

Bites from everyone’s plate – smoked steelhead trout tartine, salmon tartare, maple-glazed ham, ridiculously good roasted potatoes.

Then dessert – blackberry cheesecake, too rich, too goaty a chevre, so two bites and done.

Then wandering around catching Pokémon and more laughing and hugs goodbye and then home.

It was good.

Last night was Boxwood’s last night, and now they are closed.

This year is full of endings and beginnings.

Thirty five

It was my thirty fifth birthday two days ago and I started this post in the bathroom that evening, supervising a splashy five year old kid – a kid I love – while my partner carved crockpot chickens for supper and the two year old watched Super Why.

I got one sentence written before the bath was done. Dinner took over an hour, and at no point did the four of us sit at the table together. I tried to make my birthday cake three times before I finally succeeded once both kids were in bed, and it came out of the oven at 9 pm, shortly after my friend came over to talk about poly and navigating non-normative relationships while being saturated in endless normativity in our media and societal assumptions.

Then it was the morning, more than twelve hours after I started this post. I was awake with the kids, since my partner got up with them the last few mornings. Step parenting is tough, but I love it. I love these kids, and I love being on such a functional team with my partner. But it’s hard to find time to write, time to think, time to do the self-care that is so important to me. It’s hard to find time for tarot, or tea, or much of anything. I’m always busy these days, it seems. With the kids, and seemingly endless part-time jobs – data entry and petsitting and admin work and anything else that comes up that can knock a few hundred off the credit cards.

The lead up to this birthday was tough.

I’ve been feeling like a failure – so many parts of my life are in transition and it’s hard to see progress in the middle of the process.

I got this far in the post and then the kids needed food and my partner was awake and I was making brunch for friends and I didn’t get back to it for another day. I’m finishing it in the car while the two year old sleeps. Once she wakes up, we will join her cousin’s birthday party, happening at the park just outside the car door. Life offers so many metaphors.

I’m thirty five now.

This year feels important, and challenging. My goal is to have thirty five moments of celebration, and to keep track of them here. To fill my cup, to inhabit my Queen of Cups self.

Onward!