Today I drew the Nine of Wands. ‘Inner strength, stamina.’
I don’t know if I have that in me, today.
Category: Card of the Day
Card of the Day with Commentary: Death, Five of Wands, Seven of Pentacles
I was having a rough morning. Feeling anxious, tired, and deeply, deeply unloveable. Like the dark core of myself that I’ve always believed to be true, the broken bit at the base, had been confirmed. True fact: Gloom Fairy is not truly loveable.
So I did some journalling.
And then I did my card of the day.
All three of my cards – the one for my day (Death), the present moment/how I’m feeling about the situation (Five of Wands), and the background to the day (Seven of Pentacles) – were jumpers. I unwrapped my deck and the Death card flipped over as I pulled the cloth away, “hello, you are looking for me” she seemed to say. And I thought, okay. I’ll take it. I love that card. Renewal, transformation, rising out of the ashes. (On which note, I had been listening to this song all week.)
And then I started shuffling and the Five of Wands basically backflipped out of the deck. “IT’S ME! Hello, it is me.” So I thought, again, okay. I’ll take it. It makes sense. My companion book says:
In the Five of Wands, sometimes it seems the world tosses dozens of obstacles in your path. When gathered together, these minor obstructions become an overwhelming wall to over, but take heart… Answer that challenge not with despair but with renewed vigor. Appreciate the unknown strengths that are drawn forth when faced with difficulties.
And then I went back to shuffling, kind of amused and a little dismayed because I actually love the ritual of cutting my newly shuffled deck and laying the cards and flipping them, the routine of it, the ritual, the repetition of an action that helps me feel grounded and calm. But no! It was not to be! The Seven of Pentacles dropped saucily out of the middle of the deck, winking. Choices got you here, she said. She’s right.
So here’s my spread of jumpers.
It’s a cheeky little spread, I think. And encouraging. (I find the Shadowscapes deck is always gentle and warm and welcoming – that’s why I went there this morning rather than my usual draw from The Wild Unknown.)
This is how I read the spread –
My card of the day is a reminder of my greatest strength – my ability to go through the deep dark and come out transformed into a better version of myself. The Death card is one of my favourites in tarot, because of how it reveals the necessity of change for growth. There are some endings that are necessary. There are some endings that are beginnings. That’s what this card says, to me. Let go so you can grow. Let it die. Let it be reborn.
And I’m not really sure what this means for me, right now. What is it that I need to let die? My belief in my unloveability, maybe. That sharp thread runs danger-bright through the core of me. That’s a big death, if that’s it.
Or maybe it’s the relationship with my springtime love that used to be. The one before. Maybe I need to let that go, let that die. It’s not coming back. It’s ashes now, and gone.
The Death card says that’s okay. That doesn’t mean the relationship can’t be reborn. But it does mean the relationship has to be reborn. Made new.
And those wands. That’s a daunting task. It’s a lot of obstacles to navigate. But the Five of Wands isn’t hopeless. Far from it. Like the Death card, it’s a card of overcoming.
And the Seven of Pentacles, reminding me that the time for waiting has passed, the seeds that were planted are growing, and although there is still work in the future, there is also the opportunity to appreciate the fruit in front of me. She’s all about choices, this card. And about reaping the rewards of hard work. She’s the background to the Death card and the Five of Wands in this spread, the reminder that growth is slow but rewarding, that choices lead places, that our efforts do bear fruit.
So let it burn down, and then build it back up. Let it go. Let it come back. It’s daunting, but it’s worth it.
Card of the Day with Commentary: ALL THE FEELS
So, apparently today is all about the feels. I mean, this is not surprising. But this spread really resonates.
The Six of Cups has come up for me a few times. Reclaiming things lost from my child-self, healing old traumas, processing. In this card I see the bright colour and energy that the tree draws up from its roots, and I am reminded that I, too, have deep and vibrant roots that I can draw on.
The Ten of Cups is my present situation/what’s on my mind. In this deck, I read this card (along with the Three of Wands and a few others) as non-reversible. The numeral is legible in either position and the image stays the same, too. This is a card about balance, reciprocity, abundance. And it is on my mind. How to give and receive freely and openly, with generosity and without shame.
In the background to the day I have the reversed Father of Cups. Support being blocked, the opposite of that Ten of Cups. There are ways in which my offering of support is being rejected right now, and it does background all my feelings about today, but there are also ways in which I am not allowing myself to feel supported. Particularly, I think, in how I am not allowing my own roots to support me.
In the last couple days I have felt myself move hard into the swords – up in the air and heavy in sorrow. This spread reminds me to come back to the cups that are my more balanced home, and to the earth and grounding that I have worked so hard to find.
There’s a lot of colour in this spread. A lot of hope. I just need to open myself to the support that is already there.
Card of the Day: Two of Cups, Daughter of Wands, Two of Swords
I’ve had a tumultuous few days, and I couldn’t write. Or didn’t write. Whichever. Mostly moped around.
On Wednesday, I drew the Two of Cups. This was a bit of a mind-fuck, because… Because! Because of the situation that precipitated this whole journey.
Carrie over at Happy Fish Tarot says this about the Two of Cups in this deck:
The Two of Cups shows the sharing and growth that we experience through our connections.…This shows a sense of reciprocity and mutually exchanged beauty.
… One of our most basic needs as human beings is to feel seen and valued. In a reading, the Two of Cups can encourage you to reach out to others. Tell someone you appreciate them, make an effort to strengthen a bond or offer a kind word. Despite the complications and conflict that accompany human interactions, this card shows our ability to forgive, bond, heal and encourage one another.
Beth at Little Red Tarot says this about the Two of Bottles (Cups):
This is love.
It’s not The Lovers, it’s not the Ace of Cups.For me, it’s the Two – of cups, bottles, chalices, water – that really represents what love feels like when you make it real.
What’s happening is an exchange. This version of love is like, you hold this cup, this bottle, which contains all of your water – your feelings, your heart, your soul – and then you offer it to someone else. And, hopefully, they’re offering theirs to you. You offer with complete trust, with the genuine desire to connect. So you can each take the cup of the other, offered so willingly, and drink deep. It’s about saying yes, about saying ‘let’s explore this, together’, and ‘here is my heart, here is what it needs – do you think we can do it?’
So that was Wednesday. And then I ran into him at the science centre. And I wasn’t able to offer anything – I didn’t even make eye contact with him. But I texted him after, and said that I still love him, and there were FEELINGS. Feelings. There were feelings. And I thought, of course I saw him on the day I drew this card. Of course. Of course.
And I did a larger spread with this card as the base, and I’ll write that up next.
Thursday, I drew the Daughter of Wands.
And I had another of those “eff you, tarot deck, you don’t know my life” moments that I’m really starting to pay attention to. Because the Daughter of Wands, according to Happy Fish Tarot,
is a sweetly charming character. She is coiled around a blossoming wand, her body forming a figure 8, or the lemniscate symbol (representing infinity). She looks graceful and flexible, ready to incorporate into her environment whatever suits her fancy.
She is colored with red and yellow, making her stand out from the harsh black background. The tip of her tail curves gracefully, giving her an artistic flair. She is a creative and original character, someone with an infinite imagination. She lives life in her own fresh, original way – she is not bound by the status quo.
There’s an innocent confidence to this card. The Daughter of Wands moves not with a cocky arrogance, but with a quiet assurance. She has sweet faith that things will work out for the best.
…You are being asked to step forward into something that resonates with your authentic self. You have the ability to make the world a more beautiful place. Use your charm to your advantage and cultivate a belief that you’ve got what it takes to succeed.
On Thursday I felt hopeless. Discouraged. All that Two of Cups energy and still I wake up without my springtime love and with no confidence in any future for us, and I don’t want to have “sweet faith that things will work out for the best” and I don’t want to “live life in [my] own fresh, original way.” No. Fuck that. Much like my reaction to drawing The Empress a while ago, my reaction to this card was a temper tantrum and a strong desire to retreat. Couldn’t I pull the fuckin’ Hermit or something? Fuck.
But I sat with this “you do you” creative energy for the day, and I still hated it, but I started to see how the wand here looks so similar to the Ace of Wands that I keep getting. And I thought about how maybe that wand blossoms because she is willing to step into that creative, authentic energy of her self. And I thought, okay. Fine. So I expressed myself. I expressed the hell out of myself, and said way more than I probably should have, but it was the right thing to do. And just like when I closed my eyes and jumped into the Empress energy before, this also felt like a necessary catharsis. I was pretty upset after, and my friend offered to come over, and I told him what I’d done and said, and his reaction was to say “Yeah, well, that’s you. That’s all the way you.” It was what I needed to hear.
Now, today.
It’s a bit funny, today’s card, given yesterday’s card.
It’s the Two of Swords.
I described it to someone this morning as a “shut up, doofus” card. I know that’s a fairly flat interpretation of a card with quite a bit of nuance, but given the context it seemed appropriate. “You’ve said your thing, now be quiet and think.”
I’m not good at that. At all. I’m just better at saying my thing, and then saying more, and then more, and then more, and then a little more, and then, after that, a little bit more.
And the Two of Swords is also a card of emotional withdrawal, of defending the way in to the heart. Another thing that I am really, really not the best at. And something that feels relevant right now, today, because my heart feels wide open and I am trying, so hard, to remember how to maintain boundaries for myself and not slip back into negative patterns of behaviour and thought. So I need those swords, intellect and analysis, thought and memory, awareness of self and other. I need those. I need to be quiet, to think, to guard this wide-open heart just a little bit. To set boundaries requiring balance and reciprocity in my relationships (that’s from the spread I did last night – I’ll try to write that up today too!).
So.
That’s where my days have been at. It’s been a lot! I am thankful for tarot as a lens through which I can view this tumultuous time in my life. It gives me something physical and tangible to ground myself down into. I need that, have needed that. And I appreciate it.
Card of the Day: Mother of Wands
I was going to skip my card this morning. Do it later. I’m tired (one of the dogs I’m looking after barked basically non-stop from midnight to four, despite being let out and cuddled. Turns out he wanted to sleep in the living room instead of the kitchen. What a twerp.)
I did it, though, because I really appreciate the moment of calm and the reflective pause that it offers. So I fed the dogs, sat down, shuffled and drew.
Mother of Wands.
This card is everywhere for me these days, but always in a spread to do with relationships. I think on its own, it’s an invitation to think about what this card might mean for me, myself. The liner notes say that the Mother of Wands is ‘attractive, vibrant.’ That’s one aspect of the card that doesn’t usually resonate so much for me. Usually when I see this card, I see more of what Happy Fish tarot describes – the willingness to know and defend what’s best for her and her loved ones.
Today, though, I’m thinking about vibrancy and attractiveness. Specifically, I’m thinking about those parts of myself that I find most attractive. My courage, my open-heartedness, my enthusiasm.
I think I’m going to take today to think about the person that I most want to be, and how I might invite that person more into my daily life.
Card of the Day: Eight of Swords, reversed
Ah, the eights. So much work in the eights.
I woke up early this morning. I couldn’t sleep. Anxiety and hope fluttering in my belly. I thought about forcing myself to go back to sleep, but I decided that was silly. Got up, turned on the kettle, drew my card (also checked social media and my horoscope, because, anxiety).
So the Eight of Swords, reversed.
There’s the cocoon. The keywords for this card in the liner notes are “trapped, powerless.” I like that I got it reversed. That the time of feeling trapped is almost done, it’s coming to an end. There is forward-moving energy, and this feels like such a hopeful card. The swords do, as Happy Fish Tarot says, appear to be threatening the butterfly. But sometimes you have to come out of your cocoon even if you feel like the swords are threatening. Sometimes you have to make a choice to move towards freedom, even when it’s terrifying.
From Happy Fish:
This card shows those times where there seems to be no solution in sight, no matter how hard we try to think of one. The harder we think, the more trapped we believe we are.
The imagery here draws some similarities to the Waite-Smith depiction, which shows a woman bound and blindfolded. The butterfly is bound up around itself, unable to find a way to navigate the surrounding swords and stretch its wings.
This card shows those times when we feel stuck, and worse yet, we doubt our own ability to disentangle ourselves. It can become tempting to give up our personal power and wait for another person or an outside circumstance to offer assistance.
In a reading, this card can ask you to look at the stories you are telling yourself about your options. If you seem to be stuck or entrenched in mental fog, this card can remind you to take steps towards reclaiming your personal power.
Of course, this is easier said than done! You can begin by changing your thoughts, updating your stories. Instead of focusing on your confusion and lack of clarity, train yourself to look for steps – even small steps – towards freedom. When you consciously choose to loosen your mental constraints, a path forward will begin to emerge.
I read the reversal as indicating that this process has begun. This energy is present – both the feeling of being trapped, and the encouragement to move beyond it.
I’ve used the metaphor of the butterfly a lot lately for myself and for my springtime love. I think that the traumatic break in April forced us both into cocoons, and now we each have a choice as to whether we emerge or stay trapped and powerless.
I want to choose expansiveness. I want to choose to fight my way out of this fog, out of this cocoon, to continue to grow. Shake these wings off and fly. I want him to do the same, to meet me there (and now the image of The Lovers from The Wild Unknown seems even more clear). I can’t make that choice for him, though. All I can do is make the choice for myself and trust that if we’re meant to fly together, we will. We were pretty rad caterpillars together. And they’ve shown that butterflies remember what they learned as caterpillars, despite the cataclysmic change of metamorphosis (is there anything more emblematic of the cataclysmic change than turning to goo and then reforming, mind intact? I don’t think so.).
This cocooning has been awful. Painful. Hard. But I am grateful for the opportunity to grow into my better self.
I think it’s time to come out of the cocoon. It’s time to become this new self.
Card of the Day: Eight of Pentacles
I woke up in my niece’s bed (both my niephlings are with their dad this weekend) and I felt overwhelmed. Lost and alone and sad – I had dreams all night, and it’s so rare for me to remember them. I dreamed about my springtime love, the dreams I have often, the only ones I seem to remember, where we are together. I mean, I get it, my subconscious is not subtle in her desires. But it makes the mornings hard.
So I woke up sad. Checked email, Facebook, Twitter, and then stopped. This isn’t what grounds me. This isn’t what brings me back to myself. I grabbed the deck at the foot of the bed, shuffled, and drew.
And there she is. That dedicated spider working hard at her web. Spiders scare me, but I don’t kill them. I recognize how valuable they are in the environment and I also don’t think that my fear justifies me causing harm, so for the most part I leave them alone or if my partner is home, they’ll take them outside.
Visually, I find this card overwhelming. She’s at the centre of that intricate web and although she’s in control of her work, there’s not a lot of visual space on the card. There’s not a lot of openness, not a lot of room to breathe. The eight Pentacles on the sides of the card feel, to me, like bars on a cage. I’m reading a lot of my own feelings into this card today, the sense of overwhelm, of being trapped, of being unable to make progress.
But that’s not what this card is about. It’s about skill, craftsmanship, creativity and work. It hints to me that maybe the way through (could it be that those bars are not a cage, but a hallway?) is to keep working and to do the work that I’m best at.
And there’s hope in this card, even if there’s not a lot of open space. The edge of the card has a thin rainbow line, a barely-visible promise of open sky and space to breathe and hope.
And, too, it’s Pentacles. A lot of pentacles. A lot of reminders to stay grounded, to be present. I needed that today.
I’m going to do some creative stuff today, finish staining my wood project, and maybe do some sewing. Get my spider on.
Card of the Day: Knight of Cups
There’s a lot that I love about this card. The hopefulness of it, the movement towards the goal, and way the halo looks kinda like a space helmet and I picture this as a scene from 50,000 Leagues Below The Fae Sea. The Sci Fi Arthurian Saga: Lancelot Goes Swimming. (Though, our friend looks pretty close to finding the Grail, so I guess it’s more likely to be Galahad, right? But I’ve always had more of an affinity for flawed, big-hearted, loves-too-much, queer-as-fuck, heart-first Lancelot.)
It makes me feel silly, and happy, and hopeful. I like feeling these things. They’ve been in short supply lately.
I also love that this card evokes those feelings because the knight is on/in the water, and that’s okay. He’s not drowning. (He’s got his space bubble helmet!) Water is something that has always terrified and delighted me. I am petrified of drowning, and didn’t learn to swim until my 30s. But I love being near the water, and now that I can tread water, I love being in it. So, on a more serious note, this card, for me personally, says that I won’t drown in these terrifying depths and that the way to get to my Grail is to stay in the water.
Critical open-endedness – is “the water” my willingness to stay in limbo, not knowing when or if my springtime love will return? Or is “the water” my inner work around healing codependency and earlier trauma and solidifying my sense of self and my mindfulness and presence and ability to “allow, allow, allow”?
…
Okay, fine, it’s not really open-ended. Fine, fine. The cards are mine, the journey is mine, the message is mine. Especially a card of the day, I think. This isn’t telling me to stay in the water of my hope for my love – it isn’t saying anything about that. This is about me. My grail is not a relationship with him, it’s a relationship with me. Blah blah self-awareness blah. Kidding! Ish. I am happy that I can see myself here, and recognize how being with myself is the most important relationship and one I have neglected for decades. I appreciate that perspective that tarot offers me on a daily basis, I do.
So, onward. In this water, deep and dark and delightful, towards my goal.
Card of the Day: Three of Pentacles
The Suit of Pentacles feels like home. Staying grounded is often the hardest thing for me (getting grounded, even, until very recently) and for the first month that I was reading tarot, it was Pentacles all over the place. I found them comforting, reassuring, encouraging. The Seven of Pentacles is one of my favourite cards, and one that I come back to over and over as I check in with myself regarding my ability to stay open to my springtime love. The Ace of Pentacles is another touchstone – come back to your breathe, it tells me. Seeds have been planted, and now they will wither or flourish or bloom here or over there, and you can’t rush a seed.
Today I drew the Three of Pentacles.
This is another favourite card. When I did the Little Red Tarot “begin now, with what you have” spread, the Two and Three of Pentacles (along with the Knight of Pentacles) were in my foundation. Balance, community, and perseverance. It felt good.
Today I noticed something I hadn’t noticed in that reading months ago. Today, the first thing I saw was that she was being held by someone else. I hadn’t seen that the first time, or not consciously. The first time I looked at this card, I just saw her, building. Now I see the relationship that allows her to build.
They are working together, a team.
I am blessed with an amazing community. Friends and beloveds and family (chosen and given). My sibling is a badass feminist and a queer-friendly child-birth educator. My niephlings are the chaotic joyfulness of my heart. My best friends are amazing. I am lucky. So lucky.
The Three of Pentacles reminds me of that. And also reminds me of the strength that can come from the right relationships. Last night I was thinking about the quote from Lao-Tzu, “being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” This card seems to symbolize everything good about that quote.
Card of the Day: Nine of Swords
I’ve drawn this card before, so I knew that it’s supposed to be a negative thing. But this morning, when I sat with the card itself and forgot what I’ve already read in the companion book, this card felt so hopeful.
I think it felt so hopeful because she’s looking up into that bright sky above, and the red thread is tangled around her hands – there’s light at the end of her dark tunnel, and she hasn’t lost her connection to her path and to the one she’s meant to walk it with.
Am I reading way too much of myself into this card? Obviously.
I really like Paige Zee’s post on the Nine of Swords, it resonates for me:
Traditionally, this is the card of nightmares and despair. …
[But] it’s an opportunity to choose action over anxiety.
I believe what’s happening here is a call to bravely face our fears and move forward despite the whispering voices of doubt.
We are called to see how much of our fears are illusions. Let the light in by taking action to further your goals. Focus not on the distant future; plan instead to accomplish what you can do NOW. Adopt the “one step at a time” method. Look to the near future and seize the opportunities of today.
Trust your gut instead of your mind, which can fall prey to worry and doubt and fear and therefore inaction.
You can do this. Everything is more doable than it seems. All you have to do is take one. step. And if your fears worries and doubts are too much, if they are blocking your forward movement, then you can sit with them. Write them down. Talk them out. What are you afraid of, and why?
I really like this interpretation, and it fits with my own gut reaction to the card this morning. It feels encouraging, actually. It’s not about things being easy, but it does seem to be about finding some ease – some comfort from the feeling of being stuck and trapped and unable to move, beleaguered on all sides by Things That Suck. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. There’s help from all those lovely crows. There’s a place to go and a way to get there, and despite all the anxiety hanging heavy around, there are actions to take and choices to make.
That’s lovely.
Queen of Cups 