My card today is the Three of Arrows: Jealousy. The guidebook describes a ‘tension of emotions creating fear, jealousy or envy between people.’ I really appreciate that the guidebook includes acknowledgement of how jealousy can have its origin in lack, scarcity, and injustice. It even references broken economic systems.
When I pulled the card this morning, I felt immediately let down.
Yesterday’s draw of the Kingfisher was so encouraging, and the guiding questions actually did shape the discussion my sister and I had of our project.
Later in the day, in a moment of emotional struggle, I pulled another card. The Five of Arrows: Frustration. The write up spoke directly to my experience – ‘Take a deep breath and steady your mind and see clearly what the goal is.’ I did, and it helped.
But what do I do with today’s card?
I can’t see where it applies to this day, to this moment.
As I write this, I realize that I’ve said, ‘I just feel so much envy lately’ about twenty times in the last two months. Envy and jealousy, growing out of my own sense of financial precarity (which is getting worse) and physical pain (also getting worse) and to-do list overwhelm (also getting worse, especially with my Masters program starting now) and my business not taking off as quickly as I want (and feel that I need) – I have been struggling. Every time a friend has a success, I feel that stab of envy. And it mixes with my joy for them in a way that feels so overwhelming. I am sincerely happy for my communities and for the people around me who are finding stability and success and ease. And also I am deeply sad for myself, and I want that for myself.
Life feels hard lately.
The financial stuff especially. It just feels so hard.
The guidebook suggests that:
The healing balm for envy is humility, acceptance, and forgiveness, even in the face of bitter rivalry and anger, just as the constant refocusing of your energy into a positive and creative momentum in your own life is the best healer for the effects of jealousy.
I can definitely stay focused on my positive and creative momentum. And I guess I’ll watch for opportunities to practice acceptance, forgiveness, and humility today.
It is such a hard topic and a hard feeling, and it has been with me for so long – this feeling of being deep within scarcity.
Do I read this card as validation of my struggle?
Do I read it as condemnation?
It definitely feels judgemental and hurtful, and I think maybe that’s the best opportunity in front of me right now to practice finding a new narrative. Because it doesn’t have to be condemning. It can be validating and encouraging.
So, I’m going to try to reach for that.