Eight of Arrows: Struggle (again)

I’m having a rough morning. A rough weekend, honestly. And so, nearly in tears, fibro pain spiking, anxiety crawling through my limbs, I shuffled. ‘Please tell me how I can get through today. How can I get through today. I just need to get through today.’

Struggle.

Struggle.

Struggle.

There is no easy way through.

There is no ease, right now.

Struggle.

But then also, can this be an invitation to accept that this time is challenging and find ease anyway?

What would it feel like for that figure in the card to find shelter?

And then I am reminded of one of my goals for this year – to nest. To find coziness. To move towards ease.

So, what would that look like today, stuck as I am in a house so cold my joints ache, when my exciting plans have been cancelled and I’ve run out of milk for hot chocolate?

Maybe it looks like bringing extra blankets into the bedroom, turning on the space heater and the humidifier, and working from bed.

Maybe it looks like going out to get more milk.

Maybe it looks like getting this week’s assigned reading done in the bath.

Find warmth. Find ease. Allow comfort. The struggle is still there but it can maybe be less intense.

Yesterday, I drew my card from the Next World Tarot.

Temperance, Balance, that 14th major… obviously I have a lot to learn there.

I just wish I knew how.

I feel sad and hopeless today, even with my plans for seeking coziness. The anxiety is coiled in my belly and my whole body aches and feels restless. I’m cold, and I hate being cold. I haven’t taken my winter jacket off in 24 hours.

I have so much work to do but I just want something else.

I want something else.

I want to be somewhere else.

I want not to be reminded of my financial precarity.

The cat peed on my laptop bag and even after scrubbing and dousing in enzyme cleaner three times, it still stinks. I only have the one laptop bag. I’ve been needing a backpack, but with what money?!

I feel grief, transformed into anxiety because anxiety is easier to deal with.

Published by

Gloom Fairy

I'm a genderqueer, queer, poly, kinky, sex-positive, sex-radical feminist and activist and student.

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