5 card spread

Endurance was a gift – stuck to the table after I shuffled. I wondered about putting it back into the deck before I drew, but it felt like a strong and encouraging card for the day, so I kept it. A foundation of endurance to keep me going.

Then I did a four card spread – a card for the day, commentary on it, and something to focus on to the right, and be careful of to the left.

So, the day: Three of Stones – Creativity. The words seem hopeful but the image gives me pause. The green woman seems stuck, trapped, strained. Sometimes I feel that way about all my projects. There’s so much, and I love it, I gain so much from it, but I also sometimes feel like the amount of energy flowing is going to rip me to shreds, and I just want to be able to rest.

The commentary: Three of Vessels – Joy. When I look at this card, I notice that each of the vessels is different – it’s okay to have so many varied interests and projects. But support is also necessary. I can channel this creative energy but I can’t do it without help and Community.

Something to focus on: Ten of Arrows – Instruction. Learning. Being taught. This is the card that came up Monday when my Masters program started, so I think that allowing myself to spend time being taught will be helpful and will increase my ability to feel creative flow and be joyfully supported in that.

Something to be careful of: Six of Vessels – Reunion. Old patterns and ways of being, remembered and habitual actions. Be careful of continuing to do what I have always done when it comes to my creative projects.

Which, of course, leads into today’s meditation on Balance, which has historically not been part of my creative process. So learning how to do that – how to have community, how to be supported, how to find instruction when it comes to balance.

Eight of Arrows: Struggle

Eight of Arrows - Struggle

Struggle is not always a bad thing.

When we struggle, we are continuing. We are moving forward. We are grappling with the challenges in front of us (and all around us) and we are persisting.

Struggle has its opposite in ease, and when we can find ease, that’s delicious. When we can let go of struggle and find comfort – ahh. Yes.

But struggle also has its opposite in defeat, and when we let go of that struggle, that’s bitter.

I am reminded of Sara Ahmed’s writing about hope, and how hope animates a struggle. How hope gives us the strength to struggle, to advocate for change, to persist, to resist, to carry on.

The Wildwood Tarot guidebook says, about this card:

In the darkness of failure, the burning torch of hope remains lit in the human soul and encourages struggle. Courage is needed to survive the storm…

The choices can be painful and stark. The path may appear fraught with unfamiliar obstacles and pitfalls, and with no obvious rememdy… Such profound struggles require calm, decisive and resolute action. Reach down into the very core of your being and summon all the reserves of your courage and wisdom. See honestly what the issue will require for you to resolve it…

I don’t believe that every issue has a resolution, at least not one that is accessible by individuals or within our lifetimes. However, I do believe that finding hope, intentionally inviting hope into the frame, can fuel the struggle and allow movement forward.

One of my personal (and professional) mottos is from G. Willow Wilson, who said, “There is not always a way out, but there is always a way forward.”

This card reminds me to keep moving forward.

This card also validates my current struggle. This morning was hard. This week has been hard. This year has been hard. Last year was hard! I don’t know when this struggle will ease. But I do know that what I’m feeling is real and valid. And I do know that I will continue to struggle – to struggle in the sense of not giving up. And I will try to balance that (ah, there’s that card) with allowing myself to stop struggling when ease is available.

I love the way the light turned my amethyst into a glowing beacon of hope and protection this morning. It seemed appropriate and comforting.

In today’s meditation on Balance, first I felt foolish for my “insight” yesterday – over the course of the day my fibro pain escalated and escalated, until by the afternoon my ankles were in so much pain that the idea of standing on my Bosu was laughable. So, I did not do that. But this morning I noticed how the two serpents look a lot like the Caduceus symbol of medical care. Today I am feeling the invitation within the Balance card to prioritize (or at least acknowledge the importance of) my physical health. I’m going to look for opportunities to be gentle with my body and to treat my ankles as wounded allies rather than vicious traitors. That shift in perspective is always a hard one for me, but it seems necessary here.

Ten of Arrows: Instruction

I start the coursework for the Master of Narrative Therapy and Community Work today. This card seems like an auspicious invitation into the work.

It also feels relevant to learning how to act in solidarity with the #justiceforcolten movement. Listening for instruction from Indigenous leaders has to be part of that work for me.

Last, I’m in Day Two of my week of reflecting on Balance. This morning I wondered if I could respond less intellectually to it, and work on my physical balance. I even bought a Bosu to help with that but I’ve hardly used it. So, that’s what I’ll do on my break this afternoon.

Four of Arrows: Rest

My morning routine for the last week has been to wake up as early as I can manage (without making my fibro pain and exhaustion worse) and write three pages in my journal, then draw my card for today.

Today’s journal entry was all about how I need to work harder today than I did yesterday.

And then I drew this card.

Recharging after a period of stressful activity, work or emotional trauma. Allow time for the imagination to sojourn into the otherworld to renew and rejuvenate vitality.

Not what I hoped for.

Not what I think (thought?) I need today.

But one of the themes of this year is ‘coziness’ – nesting, finding ease and balance in my internal ecosystem.

Today will be busy – there are things I can’t avoid and can’t put off – but I’ll look for ways to rest in the gaps, rather than looking for ways to fit more work in.

And maybe I’ll set a firm bedtime for myself and go to bed early. It’s harder when the kids aren’t sleeping, but it might help.

I do love the arrows in this card, too. Danger thudding into the ground all around. That’s how I feel when I rest. That’s why I rarely do rest. It would be nice to learn how to trust that I can sleep even when it seems like my to do list is firing at me.

Knight of Vessels: Eel

It took a while to get to this card this morning. I had a rough morning. I am struggling.

I haven’t been asking a question with my daily draw this week. Just shuffling with the intention of learning something and then seeing what comes. But today I had a question – ‘what will get me through this day?’

And everything this week has been so airy – all Arrows and up in my head (except yesterday, of course, which I still don’t know how to integrate) and as I cut the deck and was ready to pull the card I thought, before I could stop myself (why did I want to stop myself?), ‘please give me some water.’

And then this eel!

So strong. So joyful and full of intention.

And then I saw the sword on the rock – air AND water!

It just felt really comforting.

The guidebook is full of meanings related to agreement, compliance, accord, union, arrival, purity of intent, quests of personal revelation, deep feelings expressed with sensitivity. The Eel, says the book, is a wise protector.

And the eel is associated with the Morrigan, whose been coming up recently for me.

I have a lot of thoughts about how to apply this to my life but here’s what I’m committing to: I will spend some time today writing, expressing my emotions. And I will have a bath, to find myself some of that watery comfort.

The Wheel, The Guardian, and Endurance

(The picture is sideways because the upright/reversal thing felt important but not straightforward.)

I drew 10: The Wheel today. Change. Cycles. Fate and choice interacting. (I am enjoying all the ways in which this deck interprets archetypes differently – the different names and meanings of the cards.)

There’s a lot going on in the card. To be honest, it doesn’t really resonate with me. So, to help me get a better sense of what to do with this, I drew some commentary cards. (If I’m honest, I found The Wheel an irritating draw this morning. I am feeling very frustrated with the interaction of my choices with the systems around me – with the way that my choices feel so right for me and yet are not making it easier to navigate this capitalist hellscape. I have internalized, even though I hate it and challenge it externally, the idea that if you do the right work – if you follow your heart and your passion – the money will follow. So, Wheel, where’s my money?! And I also found the setting of the card grating. I want to be outdoors! I want to be in the woods doing crafts and communing with nature – my life arranged so that I have long days in a cabin writing, and Skype coaching sessions, and trips into town to meet with clients and travel to conferences. This card looks like a window into a life I want.)

Anyway, commentary cards.

15: The Guardian. Fear and deep knowledge at the entrance to the cave.

And Five of Stones: Endurance. Also at the entrance to a cave.

So I wonder what I am afraid of, what I need to endure, what dark cave I might choose to explore – make a change, turn that wheel, make a choice.

~

I’m not really sure.

I know that I had some kinda feels about those two commentary cards – a sense of calm yesness to the idea of that Guardian, that reminder of my endurance.

But this morning’s cards aren’t speaking to me as clearly or as cleanly as I’d like.

I’ll have to take these thoughts forward into the day and see what happens.

(On which note: Jealousy on Monday ended up making a lot of sense as my sister and I navigated a difficult conversation about our fears for the upcoming project – that sense of scarcity was there, and leaning into the creative and giving nature of the project helped. And Balance yesterday also made a bit more sense at the end of the day, when I made a choice to stop working and take the last part of the evening off. So, we’ll see what happens with these.)